Category Archives: half a loaf of kung fu

Bad VHS cover art part I (including an unwitting cameo from Michael Jackson) (all covers generally from the 80’s and 90’s)

I am honestly not looking to post Michael Jackson related articles, because I do not particularly care to be topical, but I was looking at doing this last week, and this cover is BAD in the sense that it has an obvious Michael Jackson lookalike on the front to entice casual Video Store browsers who liked the King Of Pop. It is also BAD in the sense that it contains Michael Jackson, who released an album called BAD, and – well you get it. Think ‘Tropical Thunder’, but not played for laughs, and this is the video cover art you deserve! Death Raiders! At least Michael has the right idea and is stripped down for action amidst the hellish inferno that envelopes all. Those other guys in their bulky fatigues must be really sweaty.

Poor Jackie Chan. They made him appear as if he is wielding a pen with some swirly bread around its shaft in the foreground (and what is ‘Half a Loaf of Kung Fu’?)- and to make matters worse, they have made him look like a Gurning Champion,

or Alice the Goon;

Dear Shark,

your mates have already been and left you sloppy seconds. You are clearly rubbish and therefore you get left the hand, improbably bobbing up and down on top of the water.

A bust of Pete Docherty smiles beningly from beneath a three legged chair as a mans torso squeezes out of the top of a chaise lounge, along with his improbably large hand, which grows out of his body at such an angle that it would suggest that said arm is growing out of his groin. Maybe that is why he looks so ill at ease. Meanwhile, elsewhere on this staggering cover art, a very pasty woman with no nipples and a beaker full of blood in her body has had her throat slashed, and the obvious suspect is the bearded groin-arm-chaise-lounge man, as he wields (awkwardly) a bloody knife. Any chance I can get hold of this movie? It looks AMAZING.

Believe it or not, the BBC actually* considered this commission for the Test Card, but luckily, for anyone who has ever stepped foot in a really skanky video store located somewhere in the back of a corner shop in the late 80s and early 90s, the BBC’s loss is our gain. Why does Brooke Shields look like she has concerns? Did she have an inkling she would be giving up the majority of HER video cover to chalk drawings of ‘Stone Cold’ Steve Austin (if he had been left face down in the water for 3 weeks) and….what is that behind ‘Stone Cold’? Oh, I know. Its a Poundland version of the Killer in ‘Dont Look Now‘. Also, why is ‘Stone Cold’ wielding that fan in a completely retarded fashion?

Why does ‘Don’t Look Now’ only get 7.6 out of 10 in the votes on IMDB?

* For ‘actually, read ‘might have”